I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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