Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize