Don't make out with my wife yet
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
