My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
