Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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