I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Just pee around me
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
