And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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