Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
