Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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