um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
