When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
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