she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
