we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
