Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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