Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
