Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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