you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
