New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Houston, we have a squirter
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
