Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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