you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
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