every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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