My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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