Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
