:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
