4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Randomize
