I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
