Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
