Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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