im six kinds of drunk right now
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
