i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
