ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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