I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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