Can i not drive my cunt home
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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