I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My life is pants optional.
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