You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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