i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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