I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize