I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
