You're my little dorito
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
