i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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