We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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