I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
