You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I think my vagina is haunted
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
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