bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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