im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
