You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
