I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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