Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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