lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
