I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
