about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
