i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
third nipple confirmed
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
