Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
