he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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