Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
