Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
