eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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